Anyone that really knows me knows that I’ve always been a worrier. I’ve heard my whole life that worrying about something does no good, especially because what I’m worried about will probably never happen…But it could.
Before I became a mother I had found some systems that worked well for me to help battle my anxiety, however they required a certain level of “carefree-ness” that makes me feel horribly guilty now that I am a mother.
As I sat on my couch last night, while I watched baby sleeping soundly on my anxiety-reducing video monitor, having a drink is when this all dawned on me. Being able to unwind and just relax felt amazing, until I looked at the monitor and thought to myself how incredibly irresponsible I was being. “What if something happened? Shouldn’t I be paying close attention to every single need my child may possibly have 100% of the time? How can I be a great mom if I am being so selfish?”
The answer? Well of course I should be paying close attention to the needs of my child, however I should also be paying close attention to the needs of myself. In order to be the “me” I was before becoming a mother, the woman my husband married, I seriously need to let go a little and let life happen.
As I sat on my couch last night this battled raged inside my head struggling to figure out how to find a balance. My daughter deserves a mom that is fun to be around, wants to be a bit adventurous, and can help show her how to live life, not worry about it.
Unfortunately just because I recognize the problem doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. I know that allowing myself some “me” time after she’s asleep is important, it doesn’t mean I won’t still feel the “mommy guilt” about it.
I do feel a little sense of relief though, knowing that I have recognized one of the big things that makes me feel so guilty and so anxious. As I sat there last night allowing a wave of calm and relaxation to come over me, I felt like talking to my husband about the shows we were watching, cracking jokes, being silly…..I felt like…me.