Pretty much from the second I found out I was pregnant I was excited and terrified at the idea of breastfeeding my child. Questions like “What would it feel like? How long will I breastfeed? Will I even be able to breastfeed at all?” ran through my mind regularly. After lots of reading and talking to other moms I formed some expectations.
I expected it to be painful at first, for it to be exhausting, and that it would probably make me somewhat emotional with all of those hormones surging through my body. What I didn’t expect however, was just how much I would truly love it, how amazing the connection would be between me and my daughter, and how sad it would make me when I stopped.
About three weeks ago, after slowly removing feedings because Sylvia just wasn’t that interested anymore, I stopped nursing all together. She tugged at my shirt a couple of times but seemed to move on quickly, I on the other hand felt heartbroken.
Whether it was my hormones adjusting or just the changing of our routine that did it, I do not know. I do know that I felt a terrible sense of loss and I slipped into a few days of depression. I even nursed her a few days after stopping just to see if it helped, and it did. I knew that I couldn’t keep nursing her just to get over my feelings, that this was her natural process of growing, so I stopped again.
It’s been about three weeks since I’ve nursed her and it is getting a bit easier. I do find myself wanting to lie in bed and nurse her while we cuddle before drifting off to sleep for an afternoon nap, but I am finding ways to get that same quality time without nursing. It’s been an emotional couple of weeks but I am so proud of my baby girl and just this past week she started walking and has been really starting to talk to us. It’s always a new adventure and I am excited to see what is next.